A few friends have been discussing the trials of potty training and today when posting a comment, I ended up writing a novel and decided it would be kinder to simply post it on my own blog. I have added some to the post, so please don't think that I was on a rant on her blog :)I'm long past the potty training days and have no concrete advice for anyone. I certainly don't claim to be an expert. The biggest thing that annoys me about this topic (well, actually there are several...but I'm not sure I'll go there) is when people think they have THE answer...that there is only one way to be successful. Why? We know that all children are different...all personalities, schedules, family dynamics, etc are different, so of course, potty training is going to be an exclusive journey if not for each individual, at the very least for each family.
But the biggest question I have is...why do Moms stress out over potty training? Is it b/c we really think it’s time for (a) the kids (b) for us or (c) pressure from others?
I guess I concluded that it was "(c) pressure from others" and being the rebellious, stubborn person I was, refused to be put in that mold. I followed my sister, Jodi's, lead and let my children decide when they were ready. Guess what? It wasn't when they could say the words, "poop" and "pee". What does that have to do with muscle control? Nada, zilch, nothing! It wasn't when they were a certain age. There's no magic internal switch that flips when they turn two. But it WAS before they were in school :) All I know is that once they were ready, I put underwear on them, never put them back in diapers or pull-ups, and I can count the accidents on both hands that each kid had. It really was that easy! But only because it was their time...not mine and not the neighbor girl's mom or the know-it-all mom at church that made snide remarks...but their time. And that my friend, is the best advice I can dole out. (And by the way, this isn't just true in potty training.)
Whew! Now that I got that off my chest...let me get off my soapbox and share a funny story about one of my diaper-wearing three-year-olds ...I dropped my 5.5 yr old and 3 year old off at a birthday party one night. I don't remember why I didn't stay but they wanted the little sister to stay and it was a good friend, so I let her. (In order to protect her identity, I will be referring to the 3 yr old as "she" and "her".) I forgot to leave a diaper and she had a poopy one mid-party so, Connie, one of the mom's present (aunt to the birthday girl and mother of two or three girls herself - and also a church friend of ours) took her in to change it.
Connie related this story when I picked them up and of course, I about died not even thinking that this could have been an issue. I was a mother to a new-born and apparently still slightly brain-dead from all the pregnancy hormones or lack of sleep.
But the funny part was, my 3 yr old laid down for the impending act, looked up at Connie and inquired, "Do you know how to change little girl's diapers?" Connie about died laughing. Said she felt like she was being asked for credentials from the kid whose diaper she was changing! Ack! But guess what? The 3 yr old was trained two months later and never looked back :)
I tried several times to have her wear panties for the day over the span of several months with her and she was not interested. She would stand in the middle of the kitchen with her legs spread to kingdom come and say, "Mommy, I peeing! I peeing!" Sure enough, pee would be running like a faucet and I would say, "Stop, so we can go on the potty!" But she couldn't. She had no control.
One day my friend suggested that I put thin panties on her instead of the thick ones that I'd been using (and had used quite successfully, I might add, with my oldest!) I thought, "There was no way! I will be cleaning up puddles all over the place-as if we had a puppy!" But finally one day, I did try it and it worked like a charm. I was never so shocked! Apparently she could sense much better when she had to go with thin vs thick. Not so with my other two. And that was when the realization dawned that it might not work the same exact way for every child.
So, you moms who are in these wonderful days of training (or at least feeling like you should be)...rethink your strategy. First of all, figure out who you are actually doing this for. Then, recognize that just as you discipline each child differently or just as they learn differently or just like they each have their own individual strengths and weaknesses...you just might need to try different tactics for potty training. Good luck! (and I am now ducking out to avoid getting hit with all the hate mail I shall be receiving :)
12 comments:
No hate mail from me! I am in total agreement with you.
Both boys were a couple of months over 3 when they decided it was time. With Jared, it was the summer we moved here. The day we got all our stuff moved in, he said, "We've moved to a new house and I don't need diapers anymore. I'm going to start going in the potty now." That was it. Potty training--beginning and end.
When the average kid is truly ready, there really isn't any "training" that needs to be done!
Well, I'm no expert either but I completely agree too. I wish I had figured that out with my first one though. I was way too pressured w/her & I regret that. My second one..... I stood up for myself & just told people he wouldn't go to Kindergarten in pampers. :) Once he was ready (right after he turned 3 too), he just started going & I didn't have to really "train" either. He hardly ever had an accident either.
I don't think a lot of people realize that the child is NOT the one trained if you are the one that has make sure they get in there every hour and then sit with them for 20 minutes, hoping-hoping-hoping they go!
I think there is also a lot of misconception about this stage in childrearing, honestly. Some (whisper) old-timers (LOL) seem to think that if you don't "force" them to be trained by the time they are 18 months (or whatever age), then you have obviously "spared the rod" and the child will grow up to be rebellious & never obey. It's really not about "who's the boss" at all! It's about child development.
And really, once they are all 6 years old.... who cares whose child was trained at 13 months & whose child trained at 33 months? :)
I totally agree and I also had 3 little ones who were all trained at different times in their lives. #1, I did the "old conventional way" due to being told by mothers a generation ahead of me...took her to the potty every 1/2 hour and spanked her if she had an accident in between.... How I WISH I could erase those memories for both her and me!!! #2 came along and I tried for a day or two - I would say go potty - and make the sound and he would make the sound back to me. He had absolutely NO CLUE what I even wanted him to do. So I said, forget this and put the diapers back on for several months. When he was ready, he was ready - even though we also had a new baby in diapers at the same time. I'd rather change two sets of diapers than be cleaning messes AND traumatizing the child!
He finally was ready a few months later and I don't ever remember one accident! (AND they didn't have pull-ups at that time~) #3 - I cannot even remember what age she was - because, you see, by then, I knew it was usless until they were ready themselves. Why stess yourself and ESPECIALLY the child???? I vote for waiting until EACH CHILD IS READY~~~~~! (I, too, Sara, find it very easy to get on my soapbox about that very issue!)
I agree. I tried early with my #1 because I was a first time mom and really didn't know "when" it was time but soon found out it wasn't "time" yet. But he isn't still having "accidents" so he must have figured it out sometime. #2 "trained" himself I guess because I don't remember having to put too much pressure on hime to go. When he was ready he wanted to go. Who really wants to sit in that anyway! Then there was #3. Matt's g-ma went one and on (and sometimes his dad) about how Matt was trained by time he was TWO YEARS OLD. So I felt a little pressured sometimes but not too bad. I really walked away telling Matt I don't believe he was trained I think mommy and daddy were trained to take him every few minutes. I really didn't want to take that kind of time training myself instead of her so every once in a while I would take her and sit her on the potty and trufully I would get a little upset about it taking so long for her to want to go to the potty but I knew that she wouldn't be going to school still having accidents. So she pretty much trained when she was ready also. Guess what next year they will officially all be in school and not one of them are still having accidents and no body there will even know how old they were when they potty "trained". So I guess it all works itself out in the end.
I hope I didn't hurt anyones feelings. I think it's great if a mommy can get her little one to train early. Who really wants to change a diaper anyway. But I knew that I couldn't do it that way.
well,I started out with twins and really thought I would die if I had to train both at once so I did Janae first when she turned 2 and she was a breeze. The brother(ha)wasn't quite the piece of cake that she was. I ended up waiting until he was 3 to even start and then it was still sloooooowwwww going.(pardon the pun)but we made it through. I went on to train 2 more--they are all going in the toilet on a regular basis now!ha! I do agree about the peer pressure thing though because I would start to panic when they turned 2!(just thinking about potty training makes me very, very, tired---I think I'm getting old!)
This could get quite lengthy if I tell you about all 7 of mine, but ultimately I think we all started our first children the same way. The funny thing is I started my first one training at 18 mo. (which was a disgrace in my mom's eyes because after all I was trained at 9mo. you know!)So far though all of them have been trained either a few mo. before 3 or a few months after. with only 1 with bed wetting problems. I have 3 more to go, so I'll let you know about those when the time comes. Serenity turned 2 in Sept. and I really wanted to start her, but I have found I get more relaxed with each one. As long as she is potty trained before college I will be happy :)
Great post, Sara. I totally agree. I've always felt this way. I'm waiting to I'M ready as well as Kendrick!
I totally agree with you. Steven was my easiest to train. He was 26months when he was potty trained but only because he was ready. He only took 2 weeks, if that, to train.
Ashlee on the other hand was just a month shy of her 3rd birthday before she was finally potty trained. I did try with her earlier because, afterall, Steven was trained. I found out really quick that it just wasn't her time. When it was her time, she went completely on her own and only after the fact did she inform me that she had gone. It was simple after that.
Kelcee was my worst. She was 3-1/2 before she was trained, but she is also my stubborn one. I tried off and on but after a couple of days I would put the pull-up back on her as she just wasn't ready. One day she just informed me that she wanted to potty, but only in the big potty and not the baby potty and that was it. She hardly ever used the potty chair. She, seriously, was trained from that point on in a matter of days.
I think parents tend to hurry them along too out of frustration of diaper buying and cleaning up those messes.
Also, I have heard that there is very little a kid is "in charge of". They can't control what they wear, they can't decide what they'll be eating that day and this is one thing they can control and they will control it as long as the parent pushes them along. I hope that makes sense. It makes sense to me and something for someone to think about if they are experiencing stubborness in a child who knows the whole process but refuses to do it.
Where were all you mothers when I was training my kids??? I did NOT have this kind of support in my friends during that time of life. Michelle, I hadn't heard about the control thing either but it totally makes sense in those cases. None of my kids used a potty chair. They hated it.
Ok, so I'll share Brennan's story, since he was waaay more stubborn. I "knew" he was ready (and in retrospect, maybe he was), but like Michelle said, I really think it was a control issue with him.
After he turned 3 and a couple of months and still was refusing to go potty (yet still informing me the very moment he wanted changed), I told him from that point on, he was wearing underwear and would clean out any messes that he made in them.
First mess? Fun fun! I stripped him down and he scrubbed the underwear out in the tub. He thought that was pretty great. The second mess wasn't so fun. He thought it was pretty yucky. There was no third mess.
Ok, so maybe I win as the "Meanest Mommy," but I made the rules clear and I was very matter of fact about it.
So I guess Brennan wasn't quite as easy as Jared.
Sara, you are so right in stating that this not only applies to potty-training, but also to many other things. I have faced this same pressure over homeschooling vs. Christian school vs. public school!!(we chose homeschool) And am now facing it over whether my son should go to Bible school when he graduates next year, and the incredulous looks I get when I say that Bible school isn't for everyone! So, I feel your pain, and share your views!!
Post a Comment